


What Once Was Ours

by Schmidt1012



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Break Up, Dean and Cas' Wedding, Flashbacks, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Underage Drinking, Lame excuse to talk about crawfish, M/M, Mild Language, Moving On, Supportive John Winchester, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Wedding Invitation, homophobic slur, it's just one but I'm tagging to be safe, wedding vows
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-02
Updated: 2018-09-11
Packaged: 2019-04-14 22:21:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14145843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Schmidt1012/pseuds/Schmidt1012
Summary: "Why don’t you invite him?"Two months before his wedding, Sam asked his brother to invite his old friend, Benny. Thinking there's nothing wrong inviting his friend, Dean complied and visited his friend, who he secretly had a relationship with.With their rich past, Dean couldn't help but remember the things he had buried in his head after meeting Benny again. What he and Benny had was special, but was the past enough to disturb his present? Or it would it only strengthen the life he'd built from his heartache.---Chapter 3:Fanart





	1. Ours

**Author's Note:**

> Mistakes are all mine,
> 
> And comments are highly appreciated. :)

_Why don’t you invite him?_

Sam's words rang in Dean's head as he trod the old wooden platform of the pier leading towards an old boat, woods creaking under his boots with each careful step. Two months away from his wedding, Sam suggested inviting his old friend Benny, making an effort to track the guy down. It had been almost two decades since he last saw the man, eighteen years to be exact. And the way his little brother talked about inviting Benny made him realize how unaware Sam was about his relationship with Benny. Whether he should feel good or bad, Dean couldn't decide. What matter was: someone other than him remembered the guy.

Minus the smell of fish, the place seemed nice. The sunrise peeking at the horizon was a view to behold, yellow dancing through the blue. The cold, salty, morning sea breeze hitting his face calmed his nerves a little. And the sound of waves, seagulls, and jolly fishermen unloading their early haul was different than his usual morning, different but good. No wonder Benny picked this place to live.

Stopping in front of the metal steel door, Dean took a deep breath and enjoyed the slow rocking motion of the boat under his feet before ringing the bell. As he waited for a response, his eyes wandered around the deck. The boat obviously had seen better days. Yes, it’s old and unable to sail anymore, but it’s loved. He’d seen plenty of old cars and learned how a piece of junk can be someone’s treasure, and he knew it can also be applied to boats.

Dean was about to ring again but the sound of grunting inside stopped him from reaching the bell. Slowly, the metal opened, screeching its protest, and a burly figure came out of sight. His eyes widened in surprise when a bearded Benny greeted him with an equally surprised look on his face. _Damn_. Dean breathed out. Time aged Benny well, and just what he thought when they were young, Benny looked great with a beard.

“Dean?” Benny asked after blinking hard as though he was dreaming.

Without giving him a moment to answer, Benny pulled him into a bone-crushing hug, and damn it, it felt good. It had been too long since someone can blanket him. He was a big guy but Benny's bigger, broader actually. And when he heard Benny took a deep breath, he took it as a signal to let go.

Breaking away from Benny who’s reluctant to let him go like what he remembered, Dean smiled at his old friend and greeted, “Yeah, it’s me.”

 

* * *

_Then_

 

“Awesome.” Dean sighed while nuzzling the crook of Benny’s neck.

"Yeah, that was awesome." Benny agreed, pulling Dean closer against his body, chest heaving while enjoying the afterglow of their first time.

It was Saturday and the school had been bumming both of them out, so Dean convinced Benny to go hiking with him, just them against the wild. He even snuck a bottle of Jack from his father's stash, hoping his dad wouldn’t notice, to warm them up from the freezing night in the woods if they decided to stay up late and talk. But things happened and now they’re naked, sweaty, and snuggling inside their tent.

Their hike started normal, he and Benny were leisurely strolling in the woods, talking about they should do it more often and bring a hunting rifle to hunt their own dinner. It all was good. Away from civilization meant no noises of their town, just the crunch of dried leaves and snapping of twigs under their boots. No smoke, just the awesome, fresh, crisp autumn air. No responsibilities, just relaxation.

Everything went downhill when they reached a pond connected to a river. He should’ve had listened when Benny said it’s too deep and raging, but he didn’t. Why would he believe that it’s deep if he could clearly see the stones from above? And raging? The surface was calm as though it was sleeping.

After stripping to his boxers and calling Benny a coward, he jumped right in, and the moment his body entered the water, he knew he was doomed. The raging undercurrent sucked him, pulling him deeper every time he tried to swim away. One strong gush of water swept him away like a ragdoll. Too tired of struggling, he didn’t even feel when his head hit a rock, knocking the lights out of him. And the last thing he remembered back then was Benny’s lips touching his and the droplets of water falling on his face coming from Benny.

When he regained consciousness, he was inside the warm tent with fresh dry clothes. Based on how dark outside and the crackling of burning wood, Dean figured it’s already nighttime.

“Dean, you awake?” Benny asked when he entered the tent, carrying a steaming mug. “Eat this to warm you up.”

Reaching for the mug, Dean was hit by the aroma of tomato rice soup, his favorite. “What happened?” He asked before gingerly sipping the soup, loving how it warmed his insides and how Benny cooked it just the way he liked it, a little spicy.

“You being stupid, that’s what.” Benny drawled. “Is your head okay?”

Now that Benny pointed it out, he noticed how the back of his head stung a little. “My head?”

“Yeah, your head. You hit a rock before you lose consciousness.” Benny was calm but Dean can sense the worry underneath those blue eyes.

“I’m fine there’s nothing to worry about.”

"What do you mean ‘there's nothing to worry about'?" Benny's tone raised, not that he's angry or anything, but more likely concerned. "You're head's bleeding, and I thought you're going to die."

"Hold your panties, Benny." Dean scooted to sit beside his friend and clapped his shoulder, rubbing his hand up and down to assure the bigger man. "I already said that I'm fine. And thank you, for everything." Dean held the mug high to emphasize what he meant and used it to point at the tent, dry clothes, and the fire outside before downing it.

Since they first met, just like him, Benny was afraid of fucking things up and he didn't like standing out, though his accent and size made it all difficult. Dean had learned through the years that Benny was an observant person. Small things like he preferred onion rings than fries, reptiles made him uncomfortable, and Sam was first before everything.

No one paid attention to him than Benny. His dad always assumed that he’s okay, a fully functioning adult. Sam, on the other hand, thought that he was a superhero that could do anything and never get sick. It’s been too long since someone took care of him, someone who’s worried about him. He thought he would feel weak for relying on others, but he’s not, especially with Benny.

“I… I just… I thought I lost you, you know.”

Dean could hear how Benny's voice cracked. Yes, Benny's a big sap sometimes. But Dean couldn't figure why. "Hey, are you --" Benny cut him off when he pulled him into a hug. After slowly pushing Benny away, he was greeted by Benny's pleading blue eyes. And right then, Dean knew exactly why.

Without asking, Dean claimed Benny’s lips with his. It should’ve had freaked him out kissing a guy, no, kissing his best friend. But he didn’t. The brush of Benny’s lips, the flick of his tongue, and the scrape of Benny’s day-old stubble against his cheek took his breath away. Benny never had a girlfriend, so what was left of Dean’s brain cells were confused where Benny learned how to suck his brain out through his tongue? Finding himself rutting against Benny’s meaty legs, his hands became frisky, mapping every bit of skin of Benny had to offer before reluctantly breaking their heated kiss to strip Benny’s top off and him following suit.

After half an hour of snuggling and lazy kisses, he and Benny fell silent for a few minutes before he realized he needed to say something to prevent things from being awkward. “Our friendship is totally ruined, isn’t it?” Dean mumbled against Benny’s neck, hand rubbing on his friend’s chest and playfully thumbing the hardening nub.

“Nah, I don’t think jerking each other off will do that.”

"What about the making out, and this?" Kissing Benny's neck, Dean snuggled closer and shut his eyes. He liked Benny, but their friendship was at stake. And the possibility he liked guys now – or just Benny – would raise questions to his father, no, to everyone in their small town. Some people would never understand, hell, people kill things they don't understand.

“I don’t know. We’ll be whatever you want.” Benny kissed his temple and made small circles on his arm with his thick finger.

“You’re not afraid?”

“Afraid of what?”

“Of this. Us. People.”

“Nope. I like you, Dean, a lot. And I don’t really care what people would say or think about it.” Benny’s finger stopped moving and Dean couldn’t help but look up at Benny. “I’m more scared of you, Dean. I’m afraid of you wanting not to see me again and pushing me away. If you want to forget all about this, just say it to me so we can talk. You’re too special to lose. I’m fine with being friends.”

“But I don’t want to forget, Benny.” Yes, Dean didn’t want to forget. And losing Benny, his best friend, would be hard.

“Me too, chief.”

“Benny…”

“Yeah?”

“Can we keep this to ourselves?” He knew it was selfish and unfair to Benny, but it’s for their safety.

“Of course. I told you, we are what you want, Dean.”

A few minutes of comfortable silence later, Benny's heartbeat lulled Dean to sleep, only to wake up when he felt Benny stirred underneath him. He heard Benny whispered something about putting out a fire, peeing, and some sweet praises before kissing his forehead.

“You should grow a beard. It’ll look good on you.” Not seeing Benny’s incredulous reaction to his sleepy randomness, Dean passed out with a sated smile on his face.

 

* * *

Now

 

“What are you doing here?” Benny asked before ushering Dean inside his boat.

Stepping inside, it took Dean a couple of seconds to take everything in. The place was a dump, way too different from the deck's condition. The empty beer bottles greeted him first when his eyes saw an oven, then the bags of Chinese takeout and the stacks of tightly tied newspapers that took most of the space Dean assumed the family room, but based on the two ratty mismatched patio furniture and a couch with a ridiculously big hole in the middle; no one lived there other than Benny.

“I’m sorry for the mess. I ain’t really expecting a visitor.” Benny chuckled while clearing the moldy coffee table.

"Don't push yourself hard, Benny, I don't really mind," Dean said before planting his ass on one of the chairs.

“Can I get you anything?” Already rummaging his small fridge, Benny asked. “I got beer… water… coffee… mayonnaise… beer… Wait, I already said that.” Benny chuckled again before peeking above the fridge’s door. “So, what can I get you?”

“Water’s good, thanks.”

“Gotcha.”

Now that Benny's not looking at him, he got the chance to observe the man. The first thing he noticed was how Benny moved as though he was dancing in his small kitchen. He remembered those movements, how Benny's shoulder shifted when reaching thing from a shelf or chopping ingredient, how Benny's hips swung every time he crouched to check the oven, and how Benny walked with a little bounce in his steps knowing how much he loves cooking. It seemed like it was only yesterday. Maybe if he closed his eyes, Dean could smell the spices wafting inside the Lafitte's household, but he couldn't. What he smelled was the mixture of molds, rust, alcohol, old books, and dust. How Benny lived in such conditions broke his heart.

It's either Benny gave up on life or life gave up on him. There's no mistake it was still the man he once loved, but there's got to be something why Benny ended like this. He didn't deserve any of it; he was a strong person, both physically and mentally. Dean always believed that Benny would become an amazing adult, like a famous chef or a restaurant owner. Not like this. And if he squinted a little, Benny looked exactly like his father, John, when his mother died.

_But how?_

"Here you go." Benny pushed the glass towards Dean, not bothering to put it on a coaster, before sitting on his couch opposite to Dean, wheezing its protest from his weight.

Dean held the glass for a second, loving how Benny remembered to add ice, before taking a mouthful.

“So… Damn, it’s been so long, chief.” Benny drawled. “I’m sorry I can’t stop smiling. This is just… surreal.”

“Yeah, I figured.” Dean couldn’t help but return Benny’s smile, because who wouldn’t? Bright blue eyes, white perfect teeth, crow’s feet at the corner of his eyes, and the blush painting his pale cheeks red, what would people want more. “So, how are you, Benny?”

“You know… I get by.” Stretching his body on the couch, Benny tilted his head without losing his smile. “Enough about me. Obviously, there’s ain’t much to tell.” Lazily waving his hand around the boat, Benny’s smile faltered for a second, only to be replaced by a teasing one. And Dean hated it, hated his friend’s self-deprecation. “Let’s talk about you, mister suit-wearing big shot? There must be something special for you to bother finding me.”

“Well,” Dean started. It shouldn’t be that hard to say it, but it did. The words stuck in his throat and he was quite thankful for the water in his hand, wishing it might help to calm him down a bit when he slowly took a sip. “I’m getting married.”

With that, Benny seemed to lose his composure. His face fell and took him a good fifteen seconds to return his smile, just like what Dean remembered when they were younger and Benny was sad. Benny might be smiling but his eyes were screaming his real emotion.

After all these years, Dean couldn’t figure why Benny was heartbroken by the news. It had been almost two decades since they parted ways, and he had moved on. Yes, Dean had moved on, but it sucked to know he was behind the hurt in Benny’s eyes.

The last thing he wanted now was to hurt his friend.

 

* * *

 _Then_  

 

“What’s with the bags?” Dean jerked his head at the passenger seat of Benny’s truck, crossing his arms as he sat beside Benny on the hood of the Impala, their shoulders touching.

They were in some clearing outside of their small town. Both of them hang there a lot to talk stuff, stargazing, and make out. They like it there. It composed of a little bit of everything they wanted: the high way, woods, fresh air, space, and isolation, a place where they could be themselves. No judgment. No rules. Just them.

“That? My old man kicked me out.” Benny shrugged as if it wasn’t a big deal.

“Why’d he do that?” He had a feeling he already knew why, but he didn’t want to believe what his treacherous head was supplying. He needed a confirmation from Benny, and whatever the reason was, he dreaded what would happen to Benny, his boyfriend.

“He _knew_ about us.”

Though he'd already seen it coming, it took him four words from Benny for his heart to sink and his stomach do a somersault, reality hit him hard.

Swallowing the lump in his throat, Dean took a chance to look at Benny, who’s staring at his boots, and asked. “How? We’re very careful, Benny. How did he know?”

“I told my Ma. I thought she’ll understand you know.” Benny paused and took a deep breath. “And don’t worry.” Benny tried to reassure Dean, but it wasn’t working. The fear gnawing inside his head kept him away from being okay. “You’ll be safe. They don’t want the whole town to know that they raised a _faggot_ , so you’re fine.”

And with that, Dean was torn between getting angry and sad at his boyfriend. Angry not because Benny told his mother about their relationship, that ought to happen on any given day, it was because of his father kicking him out and making him technically homeless, and he was more worried of Dean being found out. On the other hand, he's sad because they're still minors and attending high school. Dean was very independent himself, but he still needed help from his father, Benny should too.

Unsure of what to do or say, he stretched his hand to take Benny's intertwining their fingers together. The way Dean's body shook; he couldn't deny what he felt. He's scared. But Benny probably felt worse. With as much courage he could muster, Dean looked at Benny who was putting a brave front but Dean could read him like an open book.

When Benny realized he’d been staring too long, Benny smirked and rubbed the back of his hand without directly looking at him. “Don’t worry about me, chief.”

Without tearing his eyes from Benny, Dean whispered. “What will you do now, Benny? What will we do?”

“Hey, I just told you don’t worry about me. This is my problem not -”

“Bullshit.” Dean cut off. “This is my problem too. Let me help you, Benny.”

“Okay,” Sighing deeply, Benny conceded, Dean’s determined green eyes made him do it. “whatever you say, chief.”

"Good," Dean exclaimed while squeezing Benny's hand. "You got any plans?"

“Yeah… but you’re going to hate it.”

“Try me.”

Benny sighed. “I’ll be dropping out.” The way Dean’s jaw dropped, Benny figured his boyfriend didn’t approve his plan. “See, I told you.”

“Can’t you talk to your mom? Just five more months and we’re going to graduate, Benny. And you need consent to do it.”

“You ain’t getting it, Dean. She's disgusted with me. Her face..." Biting his lower lip, Benny continued. "That ain’t my Ma. And believe me. I think they’re already writing one for me.”

Dean wanted to throw up at that, mothers were supposed to be understanding, and if his mother was still alive, he knew Mary would accept him. “Still, you’re not dropping out. I got enough savings to help you get by and graduate with me. We need to find you a job to -”

“No.”

“What?”

“Spending your money on me ain’t an option. I know you’re saving it because you wanted to go to college someday.”

“Fuck college. I’m not leaving you behind.” Dean was screaming now. He couldn’t believe Benny was determined to quit school. They had plans – dreams. They dreamt of building their own house from scratch, a family, and getting married. True, those were childish dreams, but it’s theirs.

"You're not." Benny put a reassuring hand on Dean's shoulder. "I just need to find a job, a good apartment, and then you'll move in with me. You can bring Sam if you want."

"It's not going to be easy, Ben." Resting his head on Benny's shoulder, Dean tried his best not to cry, pity was the last thing Benny needed. He needed to be strong for Benny, for them.

“I know. That’s why I need to find a job soon.” Benny kissed his hair before jumping off the hood, offering his hand for Dean to take.

“So your mind’s all set, huh, dropping out?” Dean asked, intertwining their fingers again. Whatever Benny was planning tonight, he’s pretty sure they both need it. Not to forget, but to know they’ve got each other.

“Yeah, I hate doing homework anyway.” Benny laughed but Dean could see right through him. All Dean wanted to do was to take away the sadness and pain looming in his boyfriend’s eyes. What he could do would only be temporary, but at least they got each other.

"Want to crash on our couch later? Dad won't be back until Friday."

 

* * *

Now

 

Minutes later, Benny blinked a couple of times and remembered to say something. “Oh, congratulation then.” Standing from where he was sitting, Benny pulled Dean in another bone-crushing hug.

With their bodies so close together, Dean felt the shakiness of Benny's body and his ragged breaths.

As always, Dean had to break himself free from Benny’s thick arms, no matter how good it felt around him. Benny’s glassy blue eyes greeted him with a glint of genuine happiness when he dared to look at the man. _Thank you_. Dean said to himself and hugged Benny again. Even with their past relationship, he knew Benny would understand, because out of all people he'd ever met, Benny was the most understanding. That's why he's the best.

Perceptive as always, Benny asked after Dean broke free from his arms. “You want me to be there, huh?”

Dean, hands lingering on Benny's arms, nodded. "Yes. I want nothing more for you to be there, Ben." He knew it would be awkward to invite your ex to your wedding, but Benny was family. Both Sam and John adored him. Dean couldn't even believe that his father once drunkenly talked about how good of a kid Benny was. When the silence between them stretched too long, Dean slowly slid his hands away from Benny and continued. "I know we had a falling-out when we're -"

“No, no, stop that.” Benny was about to reach Dean’s neck but quickly withdrew it and pointed at the ratty chair before sitting on his couch to distance himself. And Dean ached to see how Benny controlled his urges. He remembered too well from the past how Benny grabbed the back of his neck and pressed their foreheads together to prove he meant everything he was saying, their face too close they’re breathing the same air. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

"Really?" Dean asked incredulously.

“Yeah, it’s just… you see, I don’t think I have a good suit.”

“That doesn’t matter. You being there is enough.”

“I know, but it will be unfair to you, brother.” _But I’m unfair._ “That’s your special day. It’s supposed to be perfect.”

“You know I’m not like that.”

“Yeah, right.” Benny scoffed, leaned back, and crossed his arms.

“I’m serious, Benny. Just be there.”

“Okay, okay.” Raising both his hands, mocking surrender, Benny agreed with a smile. “Now, tell me who the lucky woman is.”

With that, Dean awkwardly explained that the lucky woman was a man. Benny’s a little surprised about it but attentively listened on how Dean and his soon to be husband, Castiel, met when an ugly hippie van was given to him to be fixed. After that, he and Benny exchanged life stories, but Dean skipped stuff like: how he needed four years to move on from his heartbreak, how Benny was the only guy he dated before Castiel, and how he proposed to Castiel.

He’d learned that Benny served the military for three years and used his savings to buy his boat, tried to pursue his culinary dream but restaurants were looking for college diplomas, and how he ended up as a drunken fisherman – Benny’s words not his. Benny talked a lot, but he’d never mention any of his relationships, Dean noticed.

In the middle of bragging how awesome his friend Charlie, Dean was hit how much he'd missed talking to Benny. Someone he could bring to a bar for a guys night out, someone who will offer his couch if things were rough, someone to cheer with while watching college playoffs, someone who's… who's not Castiel. Not that Castiel’s boring, but they had different interests.

When lunchtime came, Benny offered to cook for Dean which he didn't turn down. With a few ingredients and spices, Dean was surprised when Benny prepared a feast for him, all fresh from the pier. There's seared salmon with lime, drunken shrimps – Benny swore he used a soda but Dean saw the bottle, buttered crabs, and steamed tuna with herbs. If Dean was not mistaken, the buttered crabs alone cost a few hundred dollars in some fancy restaurant. Dean knew it because he was intimidated by its price when he and Castiel went out in dates, and how Benny afforded to buy the ingredients raised questions.

Shamelessly burping his appreciation, Dean offered to wash the dishes, which was only fair because Benny cooked. Benny wanted to protest but Dean was already rolling his sleeves.

"We should go hiking again sometime," Dean suggested while drying the dishes using a towel beside Benny who's washing them.

"I don't know about that, brother," Benny drawled, passing the last plate to Dean and washing his hands. "Things will be different when you're married."

Dean, humming his apprehension, asked. “Can I come back here?”

“If your Castiel wouldn’t mind, then why not. I could use some company.”

Dean knew he needed to go back, but he slowly sipped his beer to have an excuse to stay a little longer. Hell, he wanted to stay. The stress from work and planning the wedding was not worth the three-day drive. After stalling long enough, Dean fished out the invitation and offered it to Benny, causing Benny’s smile to fall from his face, remembering why Dean visited in the first place.

Benny accepted the invitation, thumbed the names, and carefully placed on top of the coffee table.

When Benny became too quiet, Dean took it as his cue to leave. Benny only had two beers, so his silence meant something Dean shouldn't stick his nose with. Grunting to get Benny's attention, Dean stood up and offered his hand. A surprised groan escaped Benny's throat when Dean pulled him into his arms. Even Dean surprised himself, knowing he's never a fan of sappy gestures, but there's something inside of him wanting to cheer his friend one last time before leaving.

After clapping Benny’s back, Dean pulled away and Benny escorted him through the door. The warm afternoon breeze greeted them as they trod the platform, slowly making their way towards the Impala. Benny half-congratulated and half-teased Dean for it, knowing he dreamt of her since they were kids. Without saying their goodbyes, Benny saluted Dean, turned his heels, and walked back to his boat, hands on his pockets.

Watching Benny walk away triggered sad memories inside of him. He wanted to get out of the car, chase Benny, and ask him to stay, but Benny’s not going anywhere that time. Dean was the one who’s leaving.

Slowly climbing off his baby, Dean walked back towards the platform only to stop when he saw Benny fall on his knees and lean on his boat. The way Benny's shoulders shook was barely visible, but his choked sobs reached Dean's ears loud and clear. Dean should've turned away and stop staring at how vulnerable his friend was. Nobody wanted to be seen in a state like that, but his heart broke on every sob coming from his strong friend. He wanted to wrap his arms around Benny. He wanted to say that everything will be alright. He wanted to stay. But Benny was the one who ran away.

What made Dean running back to the Impala was how Benny angrily wiped his tears using his arms. Dean had seen it before. And the last thing he needed now was the truth.

 

* * *

 _Then_  

 

 _You fucking coward_.

Dean had been driving non-stop since his father informed him that Benny left town minutes after he went to school. John said it to him while they're having dinner, thirteen hours since Benny had left. He took the Impala, not bothering to finish his dinner, and drove directly to where his father last saw Benny's truck.

With his baby’s speed, it only took him eighteen hours to caught-up with Benny’s old truck.

Benny had just finished pumping gas and walking into the convenient store when Dean saw him. Dean made a dramatic entrance when he entered the store, pushing both doors and squinting at the room, getting Benny's attention and making him drop his basket, containing beef jerky and licorice – their favorite.

“Benny.”

Ignoring Dean, Benny left his junk foods and quickly darted out the door, Dean tried to grab him but his boyfriend easily brushed him off.

“Come on, Benny.” Dean tried, but still nothing.

He watched Benny march his way towards his truck, not fully understanding why his boyfriend was acting weird. Whenever Benny had a problem, Dean was the first person he ran to. Not this. Tired of being left in the dark, he sprinted, grabbed Benny’s coat, and slammed him on his truck.

"What the fuck, Benny," Dean shouted, eyes examining Benny's face who's avoiding his gaze.

“Dean, please don’t make it harder than it already is.”

After realizing Benny’s discomfort, he eased his hands from Benny’s collar and dropped it to take his boyfriend’s hands.

“What do you mean harder? Let me be a part of this, Ben. I don’t want you -”

“No.” Benny cut off. Pulling his hands away from Dean, he closed his eyes, pinched the bridge of his nose, and leaned back on his truck.

“Fuck, not this again.”

“It’s different this time.”

“Then fucking enlighten me, Benny.”

For the first time that night, Benny looked at him, really looked at him. Eyes pleading, Benny said. “I want out.” But the way Benny said it, it sounded like Dean was the one breaking up with him.

 _Are you breaking up with me?_ Dean couldn’t say it. Everything about their relationship was all his call. Benny didn’t push him to things he was uncomfortable with. _You’re the boss, chief_ , Benny always said. Dean didn’t know what he lacked, so maybe Benny wanted more.

“I know what you're thinking,” Benny said. “This ain’t about you, chief, the fault is all me.” After a few seconds of silence, Benny continued. “I needed a friend... you’re there, quite a handful but the best. I lost my home… you gave me a roof over my head. I wanted you… You gave yourself to me, which was more than what I really hoped for. But I can’t give you what you deserve. I ain't enough.”

With that, Dean could feel the anger bubbling in his gut. “What the fuck do you mean _you’re not enough_? You, of all the people, should know that -”

“I can’t give you what you want.”

“And what do you think what I want, huh? I chose you because I want you.”

“I can’t make you happy.”

“Who told you I’m not happy?” _I’m angry now, Benny. But you’re the best part of my day. Why can’t you see that?_

Benny didn’t answer. He tore his gaze from Dean’s questioning eyes and stared at the highway, eyes glistening with unspoken words.

After a few painful seconds of silence, Dean had had enough. He grabbed Benny's hand and pulled him towards the Impala, and if he needed to drag Benny, he probably would. “We’re going home, Benny.”

“Dean…”

“We’ll talk later.”

“Please, just listen.” Benny’s cracked voice halted Dean from his tracks. Slowly, he turned to look at Benny, eyes glassy with emotions. Reluctantly letting go of Benny's hand, Dean crossed his hands and waited for Benny to talk. “I already accepted _who I am_ , but you… you still liked girls, Dean. You always said you wanted a family. And we can’t have that.” Benny took a deep breath and continued. “I ain't taking that away from you.”

Dean laughed humorlessly at that. Yes, he wanted a family of his own, but with Benny. He even knew that he and Benny would make good fathers. They dreamt of adopting a child someday, or finding a surrogate, a drunken dream created by their ignorance and optimism. But what he wanted now was Benny, they’ll cross the bridge when they get there.

"You're more important than what you're saying, Ben," Dean said. "We’re a team. I can’t be Batman without -”

“No.” Benny cut Dean off again with a trembling voice, not wanting to hear Dean’s Bert and Ernie speech. “Please understand. You still got a future... a chance…”

“And you running away would give me that?”

“No, but it’s a start.”

"That's not you talking,” Dean said, barely a whisper, but the silence of the night amplified it echoing at the empty gas station. “The Benny I knew doesn't run on his problems, my Benny is not a coward." Realizing how the words sounded wrong – scripted – from Benny, Dean’s mind supplied that his father threatened Benny to leave. “It’s my Dad isn’t it?”

“Your… your father has nothing to do with this.”

_Liar._

“Then tell me the truth.”

Benny didn’t respond, and it ticked Dean off. Whenever Benny decided not to talk, no one could convince him, even Dean. And he couldn’t handle that it’s over. They’re over. He should be sad that Benny wanted to end their relationship, but the overwhelming anger took over him.

Benny running away without a goodbye, thinking it would solve the problem he had, that’s strike one. Benny lying to his face, that’s strike two. And Benny shutting him out, that’s strike three. Funny, Benny wanted out in the first place.

Hands clenched into a fist, he closed the distance between him and Benny he didn’t know they had. He swung an arm and felt Benny’s jaw connecting to his fist. What came after that was a blur. Dean knew he was pinning Benny at one point, taking each of his blows without a fight. Benny just lay there taking everything he threw, tears falling as he muttered incoherent apologies to Dean. At some point, Dean thought he heard ‘It’ll hurt now, but this is for the best’, but the blood rushing in his head kept him from comprehending.

“Fight me, you fucking coward!” Dean screamed, punctuating every word by pounding Benny’s chest. Through his blurred vision, tears free falling, he saw how bloody his hands were, whether it’s his or Benny’s, all he knew was the physical pain numbed the ached in his chest.

Benny shook his head and slurred. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Too late, you sonofabitch!” With one solid punch landing squarely on Benny’s jaw, the man underneath him went limp.

The way Benny’s bloodied face rolled on his side, eyes open and glazed with tears, sobered Dean up from his anger. Quickly, he eased his weight and maneuvered his body to cradle Benny’s head on his lap, wiping the blood and tears on Benny’s face while whispering comforting words.

Benny’s lack of response caused panic to him. He wanted to slap Benny but it might worsen his condition.

“Benny.” A sigh of relief escaped from his mouth when Benny stirred and rolled off from his lap and slowly rose to his feet, not looking at Dean. “Benny, I’m sorry.”

“Don't apologize," Benny said and spat on the ground, _blood_. "This ain't your fault. It's mine.”

Dean watched Benny stumble his way towards his truck. He wanted to beg… beg Benny to stay, but all he could do was silently watched Benny climb in his truck.

_No._

Not wanting to lose Benny, his friend, Dean stood up and walked towards the old truck. As he thought of the words he needed to convince Benny to stay, the sound of choked sobs stilled him from moving. He’d heard it before. His memory about it was vague, but he knew he’d heard it. If he was not mistaken, it was when he first felt Benny’s lips on his, the day Benny saved him from drowning.

Slowly, he peeked at the front seat and saw Benny, bawling. That was the first time Dean had ever seen Benny cry. And damn it, he wanted to open the door and pull him into a hug, and kiss the pain away.

Benny must’ve seen him staring because he quickly wiped his tears with his arm and turned the ignition. While waiting for the old truck to warm up, Benny looked at him one last time, eyes red but a mixture of emotions and unspoken words were looming underneath Benny's blue eyes. And Dean hated how well he could read Benny. The hurt, sadness, and apologies in Benny’s eyes pulled the strings in his heart, rendering his voice useless. He wanted Benny to stay, but Benny’s pleading eyes told him that he had no choice.

Right then, he knew Benny truly loved him and also didn’t want to leave. Whatever Benny’s reason was, he needed to suck it up and accept Benny’s decision. It hurt to let go. But it would probably hurt more for Benny to leave.

Finally understanding their situation, Dean backed away and watched the old truck disappear into the night. He didn't know how long he cried inside the Impala, but when he heard the door opened and saw his Dad, he quickly wrapped his arms around his father and buried his face on the crook of John’s neck. If someone would understand the feeling of losing someone you love, it would be his father.

“He left, Dad.”

“It’s okay. It’ll hurt now, but everything’s going to be okay.” John cooed as he held his son tighter, hand rubbing reassuringly on Dean’s back. “Let it all out, Dean. Let it all out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"Love, what was I supposed to do?_  
>  Falling out can be so cruel  
> But I just can't ignore the truth.  
> So, don't tell me I don't understand  
> 'Cause I don't want this on my hands  
> But it's all that's left to do.
> 
>  
> 
> _Everything you want's what we used to be_  
>  And I can't fight these feelings inside of me  
> As much as this hurts, it's the only way  
> Believe me when I say
> 
>  
> 
> _I did it all for love"_
> 
>  
> 
> **Lady Antebellum - All For Love**


	2. His

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I'd promise you forever if I could  
>  If I could slow down the hands of time I would  
> I know they say all good things must end  
> If I could do it all over I would do it all over  
> Over and over again_
> 
> _We'll go on 'til were pushin' up daisies  
>  We'll grow old and wild and I'll still be callin' you baby  
> We'll never get enough, we'll be livin' it up right down to the day we die  
> Naw, we ain't gettin' out of this love alive_
> 
> **Brothers Osborne - Pushing Up Daisies (Love Alive)**

Walking past through the catering crew, Dean had decided to check the _problem_ himself when he heard Charlie accidentally said something about the appetizers, a shrimp dish with lime and tequila Cas really love. If there’s something wrong with the appetizer, everyone in the kitchen would get an earful from him. While waiting for the head chef, he took a bite of every finger food to personally _check it_ , being vocally expressive by making yummy noises to complement each dish, his and Cas wedding day made him hungry, and the mixture of aromas wafting in the kitchen wasn’t helping at all. _Benny_. He thought as the familiar spices smelled like home.

The chef halted his train of thought before it even left when he appeared in the kitchen. Dean, arms crossed, asked if there’s anything wrong, but the chef assured him that the Cajun seafood feast he was craving since the rehearsal dinner was nothing but perfect.

After talking to the head chef, Charlie entered the kitchen and scolded him for overreacting. Apparently, the problem she had towards the appetizers was her allergy. Manhandling her best friend, she literally dragged him back towards his room to wear his jacket and to avoid seeing the other groom, but he couldn’t help but ask to take a quick detour at the ceremony grounds just outside the lighthouse to check if everything’s okay. Yes, their wedding was being held outside a lighthouse. Cas wanted a simple beach wedding, but the lighthouse at the cliff where Cas wanted to get married piqued his interest, making their special day even better.

Biting her lip, Charlie conceded and let Dean go by himself, saying she still needed to wear her customized and intricate heels to match her white dress with light blue ruffles at the bottom. “When did you become a perfectionist?” She asked but sounded more like a statement before entering the lighthouse.

_That’s your special day. It’s supposed to be perfect._

Dean repeated Benny’s words in his head while scanning the venue. _Weird_. He hadn’t seen Benny for almost two decades but his friend still knew him too well. _Perfectionist my ass_. He scoffed while walking under the white arch decorated with blue lilies and orchids, matching Castiel’s beautiful baby blue eyes, where he was supposed to wait for Castiel during the ceremony. Calming himself, he took a deep breath of the salty ocean breeze and scanned the venue. The white seats divided by the while carpet where his and Cas’ family were supposed to seat were arranged just the way Cas wanted, Novaks at the right with blue ribbons and Winchesters at the right with green ones.

 _I wish Mom’s here_. Dean thought solemnly before walking towards the band, adjusting their equipment and stuff. _Fuck_. He cursed when he saw a seething Charlie emerging with the flower people who were readying the final touches of the venue.

“Dean Winchester!” The redhead shouted making her friend flinch a little for full-naming him. “You’re still not dressed!”

“I only need the jacket, Charlie.”

“What if you and Cas see each other, huh?”

“That’s what bothering you, isn’t it, you really believe that?”

“I believe what I believe. Now go to your room.” She ushered - pushed – Dean inside, but Dean turned around to look again where he and Cas would take their vows.

Still an hour before sunset, the vivid colors of the dusk would bring magic to their special day. The white cloths would be painted orange, and the darkening sky would make Cas’ eyes look brighter, a sappy wedding he'd always dreamed of. Dean felt his friend tugging his arm and he let her dragged him in his room.

Inside, Sam was there fixing their father’s tie who looked uncomfortable in his _monkey suit_. Grunting his presence, both men looked at him with an identical glimmer of pride in their eyes, both genuinely happy for his day. He and Sam already had their _talk,_ congratulating both him and Cas for their wedding during the rehearsal dinner. John, on the other hand, came that morning with Ellen, Bobby, and their daughter, Jo. And their talk was ought to happen.

Conditioning himself, Dean hugged his brother before hugging his dad. “I’m so glad you’re here.” He whispered while cherishing his father’s strong embrace, realizing how much he needed it.

“Oh shut up, you know I wouldn’t miss any of my boys’ wedding," John said after pulling away, thumbing Dean’s cheek and patting it lovingly. “I’m so proud of you, Dean.”

"I know," Dean said knowingly, cheeks getting red from the compliment.

It’s all good, he and his dad. A few exchanged words were enough for them to understand each other, sometimes grunts and nods were considered as a conversation. After everything he’d been through, he and his dad became closer than ever, especially when Benny left. John became more supportive of his choices. He filled the void Benny had left, his new best friend.

Thankfully, saving both Winchester in their _sappy_ moment, Charlie tore him away from his father and pushed the white jacket in front of him. “Oh, you and your _daddy_.” Winking, she whispered while straightening his gray vest.

Dean didn’t know how to react to that kind of teasing, a can of worm he didn’t want to open. Shrugging off the image of his dad, he carefully slid his arms inside his jacket and turned to look at the door after hearing its soft click.

Standing outside the door, Benny’s burly figure materialized in the dark. _Huh, Benny trimmed his beard_. Dean thought as he shamelessly raked his eyes at Benny. His white suit looked tight around his arms. And underneath it, his blue tie and suspenders brought out the color of his eyes making it bluer than before. Only one word could describe his friend… _sexy_.

Slowly, Benny stepped inside and was greeted by Sam with a hug, towering Benny with his height. “Benny,” The younger man exclaimed, “You came. Wow, that beard looks good on you. And nice arms what are you, a UFC fighter?”

“Sam,” John warned with a hint of amusement. “Stop with the silly questions, let Benny breathe.” Stepping between his youngest son and Benny, John pulled Benny in a hug before ushering him outside the room, whispering something in his ears Dean couldn’t hear.

Confused, Dean watched his dad and Benny exit the room, Benny giving him a weak smile before letting John guide him outside. _Everything’s going to be fine_. Dean read from his friend’s simple gesture, a feat only his best friends could do. Hell, Charlie could telepathically communicate with him while playing poker to double team Cas. Shrugging off his worries, Dean looked at himself at the mirror and fixed his hair, ignoring the faces his dorky brother was making behind his back.

Too focused on his hair, he didn’t hear Benny entered the room and walked beside him, looking intently at his work. The appreciative humming was what made him look at his right, heartbreakingly blue eyes greeting him.

“Look at you all handsome.” Benny drawled, smiling.

“Benny,” Dean breathed out and hugged his friend, careful not to wrinkle their clothes. “You’re not too shabby yourself, man.”

Not wanting to let go, he was shocked when Benny pulled away too soon. Too soon. He couldn’t remember if Benny ever let go of him first. Benny loved hugs, and if his memory served him right, he was the one who always had to push a reluctant Benny whenever they hug. _Not like this_. Dean forced himself not to think too much, scolding himself for being too clingy. His friend had his reasons and he should respect it.

“Congratulations, brother.”

With that, after accepting Benny’s warm best wishes, he silently watched Benny in the corner of his eye, interacting with his family. And what Dean noticed was how Benny’s vibe differed from the one he left two months ago. The Benny at the boat was a broken shell of a man devoid of hope and dreams. While the man joking with Sam was the man he once loved, the real Benny. And hell, he wanted Benny to stay like that, all happy and away from his problems.

“Sam wore you out with all his questions?” Dean asked when Benny joined him on the balcony.

“Yeah, a little bit.” Chuckling lowly, Benny answered. Dean loved the low rumble of Benny’s throat made. It took him back in the days where they were both young, laughing every bit of their problems away. Everything was simpler back then. “So…” Rubbing the back of his head, Benny started. “Lighthouse wedding, huh.”

Dean arched an eyebrow at that. Benny wasn't looking at him, eyes focused on the ceremony ground where the videographer readied her equipment. He waited patiently for Benny to continue, but nothing. The silence made him hyperaware of their closeness.

It’s not his fault to look at Benny’s eyes. Hell, he wanted to know what was running in Benny’s head, so he searched at the blue pair, the shortcut he knew to read his friend, but regretting it when he saw Benny’s crestfallen face, eyes glassy with unshed tears.

Right then, he realized what was wrong. That inviting Benny was a big mistake. His and Cas’ whole wedding was a slap in the face. The dream wedding he’d dreamt of didn’t belong to him. It all belonged to Benny. His perfect wedding was created from one of the best memories he had with Benny. Memories he had buried deep inside him. Memories he tried to forget.

“It ain’t your fault to forget, Dean," Benny said, barely a whisper.

 

* * *

  _Then_

 

“Two guys getting married?” Benny asked incredulously and took a swig from the flask Dean brought with him. “I thought I’m the _sappy_ one?”

“Just answer the damn question, Benny.” Snatching the flask from Benny’s hand, he slurred and scooted closer to share body warmth with his boyfriend, not wanting to freeze his ass off after forgetting to bring a blanket with him. “If we’re going to get married, where do you want to exchange our vows?”

It’s almost past ten and they’re at their favorite place on the bed of Benny’s truck celebrating Benny’s eighteenth birthday with a flask of whiskey, beers, and junk foods. Dean didn’t steal the alcohol from his dad that time. John gave it to them as a gift, trusting they’re smart enough not to drive drunk.

Buzzed, Dean knew it was the alcohol talking, sober him didn’t have the guts to ask such thing.  Tipping the flask, he let Benny pulled him between his legs, his back flushed against Benny’s chest, and waited for Benny to answer his question.

“I want our wedding to be held at sea on a boat, and the captain will… wait captains can’t marry people.” Dean felt his boyfriend whiffed his hair before continuing. “If we can’t do it at sea, then anywhere as long as there is water.”

“You want a beach wedding, bear?”

“Hell no.  Anything but that. Beach weddings are for girls… we’re…” Benny trailed off. “Maybe a cliff with a lighthouse… Yes!” Shocking him, Benny exclaimed. “We should get married outside a lighthouse, and then we’ll use its foghorn to announce our union.”

“Seriously, Ben, a lighthouse wedding? Is that even a thing?”

“Of course. I want a lighthouse with a big ass tree near the cliff where we will say our vows at sunset. And besides… religious folks ain’t letting people like us get married in their church.”

A little by hurt, Dean tried, but he couldn’t seem to find a hint of bitterness in Benny’s words. His boyfriend sounded dejected, not angry, and sad of the unfairness of their world. Wanting to distract Benny from what his alcohol-hazed mind, he craned his neck and captured Benny’s lips with his.

“What kind of food do you want to serve to our guest?” He asked, took a swig from his flask, and passed it to Benny.

Pursing his lips, Benny squinted into the distance and slid his hand under Dean’s shirt as he thought of the food both he and Dean would love, enjoying the warmth of Dean’s skin. “You like seafood, right?”

“A little, why?”

“Well, I just figured that a seafood feast would fit in our coastal wedding.”

“Huh, I like that.”

“Yeah?” Dean nodded and took a sip of his beer; Benny copied him emptying the flask’s content. "We'll be serving lobsters… no, we'll have a lobster buffet."

“Lobsters are expensive, Ben.” He pointed out.

“Come on, we’re already dreaming here, why not make it extravagant.”

“Okay, okay.” Clearing his throat, he pulled Benny’s arms and wrapped it around himself. “Continue.”

“Hmm… I want everyone to eat with their bare hands.” That pulled a snort from Dean making Benny poke his waist. “What’s wrong with that?”

"You want our food to be extravagant but you want our guest to eat with their hands?"

“Why not? Our guests were supposed to be close friends and _family_.” Benny’s voice faltered at his last word. “You know, people we’re close enough to do such _barbaric_ behavior. And besides, I want to hand feed you oysters." Proving his point, Benny removed his hand from Dean's waist, grabbed a piece of potato chip, and offered it to Dean, who gladly opened his mouth and playfully flicked his tongue on Benny's thick finger.

“That’s sappy, suits you well though," Dean said as he munched on the salty chip, and winked at Benny. "Feed me more while you enumerate the things you want to hand feed me.”

Snorting, Benny grabbed the bag of chips and followed his bossy boyfriend, stuffing his mouth with chips. “I’ll feed you pan-seared scallops… crab cakes… stuffed clams… jumbo shrimps… crawfish…”

“Crawfish? Nu-uh, I was on board with the hand feeding thing, but not crawfish.”

“What’s wrong with crawfish?”

“It’s … well, removing its meat is a bitch, too much effort for a little bounty. It’s not worth the energy.”

“Can’t you see the beauty in that?” Dean gave his boyfriend a confused look. “Oh, Dean. You see, knowing that there's a reward for your hard work, no matter how small it is, it’ll be worth the effort because a reward is still a reward. And it’ll taste better because you know you put your heart into it. Cherish every blessing, cher.” Dean didn't know if Benny was still talking about the crawfish, he just smiled at his boyfriend's great outlook on life. When Benny saw him smiling, his boyfriend shoved a mouthful of chips to erase his teasing smile and said: “Besides, who serves crawfish with its shell in a wedding? I’ll make sure it’s already peeled for you, you lazy ass.”

“Shut up,” Dean said, spraying Benny’s face with crumbs “And you love my ass.”

“Not tonight.” Benny tipped Dean’s head and kissed him deep and passionately. “I want you in me.”

“Someone’s feeling sub-y.” Dean breathed out as he shrugged his jacket off. “I prefer you fucking the air out of me, but I wouldn’t say no to that.”

“Yeah? Then I want it rough. Make this night unforgettable, but fuck me until I forget my name.”

 

* * *

 Now

 

“You nervous?”

Dean heard his father whispered beside him as they slowly trod the white carpet that would lead them towards the white arch where Pastor Jim stood in the middle. Families and friends were smiling at him as he and John passed each one of them, even Bobby was smiling. As the band masterfully played the wedding march, the lulling sound of the crashing waves added a dreamy twist to the ambiance. He couldn’t believe that he’s getting married.

He felt his father’s hand rubbed his arm reassuringly and asked, “This is what you want, right?” he nodded. “Then just follow your heart and do what you think is right. And I’ll be supporting you one hundred and ten percent.”

After passing the white arch, decorated with blue lilies, John eased his hand, kissed his son’s cheek, and mouthing ‘I’m proud of you’ before standing beside Sam. There, he waited patiently and watched his friends and family got emotional, crying with tears of joy. Everyone was so proud of him.

Eyes darting at an empty seat, he scanned everyone’s faces but couldn’t seem to find Benny. _Where are you, you jackass_. And there, hovering behind a tree, Benny stood unmoving too far away from him. _Asshole_. Benny had promised he’ll be there to watch. But not like this, too far for him to read his friend’s feature.

Benny, feeling his gaze, gave a small dismissing wave for Dean to focus on his wedding. Yes, he needed to focus on his wedding to avoid messing it up, but the need of Benny to be near him was stronger. The change of music jerked him from where he stood. _Right, now’s not the time to be needy._ Dean scolded himself and looked at the lighthouse’s entrance, waiting for Castiel to appear.

A few seconds later, Castiel appeared with his parents on his both sides, smiling proudly with their son. _Wow_. Dean breathed out. Castiel looked sharp in his white tux. Well, he looked good in everything he wears. But his blue bowtie kind of sealed the deal.

Blue eyes twinkling and crow’s feet building on the corner of his eyes, Cas looked at him with utter adoration, and everything seemed to be alright. But it wasn’t. No matter how hard Benny tried earlier to convince him earlier that no harm was done, he knew his friend was depressed. His glassy blue eyes were screaming it at him. And what’s worst was nobody seemed to notice the huge shift of Benny’s mood after their talk at the balcony.

 _Please, come here, Benny. I can’t do it without your support_. Dean prayed as his eyes glanced back at the tree where Benny was standing. Eyes going wide, images of Benny crying flashed in his mind as he watched from afar how Benny wiped his face using the sleeve of his suit. Dean knew what it meant, and wished that it would be the last time he would see Benny do it.

Tearing his eyes from his friend, Dean returned his full attention back to his fiancé. He offered his hand to Castiel after his parents kissed and congratulated him. “You looked so handsome.” Cas complimented as he accepted Dean’s hand, squeezing it firmly.

“Thank my dad later for his amazing genes. Now, you ready to get married?”

“You bet I am.”

With that, Dean pulled Castiel beside him and walked with him in front of Pastor Jim who was smiling warmly at them. The sun setting on the horizon would be Pastor Jim's signal, but Dean didn't seem to care. Everything was white noise to him then when he and Cas stood face to face in front of their family, it’s only him and Cas existed at that moment. _God, he looked so handsome_. There’s no question, he loved Castiel with all his heart.

He still remembered the day when those baby blues were staring intently at him as if Cas was looking directly at his soul when Castiel told him he ran away from home, waiting for Dean to judge him. But he didn’t, not a little bit. He found it brave that Cas left everything to follow his dreams. Because he couldn’t do it, he couldn't leave Sam and his father, his family was all he had.

Then it hit him. At age eighteen, Benny left Dean behind, his everything, and let the world chew him up and spat him out. He had called Benny a coward for leaving, but now he realized that running away was the bravest thing Benny ever did. Benny had told him two months ago about his hardships. How he became homeless and only ate to avoid dying of starvation, how restaurants humiliated him for wanting to be a chef with no diploma, and how he bought his boat after joining the military.

Dean didn’t know how long he’d spaced out thinking of Benny until Sam nudged him to give his vow and ring. His brother looked at him, full of concern, he just smiled reassuringly before turning back to look at Castiel, who’s holding his own vow and preparing to read it. On the corner of his eyes, he couldn’t find Benny at the tree where he stood alone earlier. He shouldn’t be surprised, but he still was. Benny left. He couldn’t avoid it though, Benny had all the rights, so he smiled with as much warmth and sincerity he could muster at Castiel and listened intently to his vow.

 _Dean, for so long I wondered if I would ever find my true love… my soul mate._  
_Five years ago, I came to your shop not knowing it’ll change my life forever._  
_I left everything behind when I ran away from home,_  
_And found everything I’ve been looking for my whole life in you._  
_Someone who not only fixed my life,_  
_but also took me to the road with him and let me experience an adventure I’ve never thought ever existed._  
  
_And now, here we are with another road waiting for us to take, our future before us._  
_And I only want to spend it with you, our road trip of a lifetime._  
_My love…_  
_My soul mate..._  
_My friend…_

A tear fell on his cheek as Castiel’s last words registered to him. With one hand, he wiped the tear and smiled stupidly at Cas with his lower lip trembling. He was thinking of Benny all this time when Castiel was right there with him. It was unfair to Cas.

He might still love Benny, no matter how much he tried to deny it, but Benny had already made his decision, eighteen years ago. And if he wanted Dean back, he would… No… Benny wouldn’t do it. He loved Dean too much to take him away. That was the very reason he left. He wanted Dean to have a future, a family, a chance.

 _Benny loves me too much, so he left and let me go_ …

That was it. Everything was so simple, and he was an idiot for doubting himself. He loved Castiel, hurting him was the last thing he wanted to do. But he needed to make a choice. He needed to do what was right.

With that, Dean closed his eyes shut, took a few deep shaky breaths, crumpled his vow he forgot he was holding and shoved it inside his pocket and looked at Castiel, the love of his life, with determination.

_He’ll understand…_

 

*******

 

Sitting at the edge of a cliff, Benny watched the sun slowly fade on the horizon while savoring the bottle of whiskey in his hand, its smooth burn in his throat seemed to calm the trembling of his body a little. He didn’t belong there. But he promised. He promised to Dean, his friend, that he would stay and watch to support him. Only he couldn’t seem to let go of his unreasonable feelings, feelings that had been haunting him for almost two decades.

He knew he should’ve let go a long time ago, but those happy memories of him and Dean were what kept him going, no matter how hard life kicked him down. Unhealthy, true, but that’s all left of him, it’s all he had. What worse was he knew he couldn’t have it again, with Dean. The unbearable ache in his chest made him dysfunctional through the years, so he kept drinking to function… to _feel_ normal, liked what he was doing now, drowning the pain away.

As he relished the smooth burn of the whiskey and the beautiful sunset, he heard soft steps grazing the grass behind him. Slowly, he turned and saw green, green eyes staring at him. The way the orange danced with Dean’s green eyes made him remember the day when everything started, the beautiful woods where green, yellow, orange and brown painted their surroundings.

He wanted to reach out and hold Dean, but Dean was never his in the first place, so he tightened his hold around the bottle to keep himself from doing the stupid. He noticed his friend’s eyes glanced at the patch of grass beside him, silently asking his permission. He nodded and turned his head away, taking a sip of his drink.

“I’m sorry I can’t be there.” Benny slurred. “I thought I was strong enough.”

_You’re right, I’m a coward._

Beside him, Dean sat quietly while watching the sun, or what's left of it, disappear on the horizon. It hurt. The one he loved the most was so close to him yet too far away. He couldn’t complain though... he caused it... he’s the one who left... but he wished Dean understood that he did it for him.

A little drunk, Benny wiped and offered his alcohol to Dean, thinking maybe he also needed it too. Dean shook his head no and continued watching the horizon, the sun had already set and stars quickly mapping the sky.

“You ain’t supposed to be here, you know. Your family’s out there, probably looking for you.”

Dean didn’t answer; he leaned back using his arms as support and looked at the sky. The thought of Dean running away from his own wedding suddenly entered his drunken mind, vile starting to rise from his gut. He fucked everything up this time. He should’ve stayed there and watched his friend get married, no matter hard and painful it would be. Not like this. Dean belonged to Cas. Not here. Not with him.

“You don’t belong here, chief.”

Benny couldn’t seem to suppress the trembling of his voice, the bottle he was holding created small splashes as his hands started to shake uncontrollably with his body. He’s scared… scared of what happened during the ceremony… scared of what would happen next… and scared of something he didn't deserve. He's scared of Dean, his weakness, and his strength.

Hesitant, he turned his head a little to look at Dean, who seemed to notice his pain and gave him a sympathetic look. _Don’t look at me like that._ Benny begged as he covered his face with his arm, tears falling without his consent. After years of having nothing, he didn’t know how to handle good things that were given to him, especially when all he ever wanted was right there sitting beside him. Just… being there... with him… and it’s enough… too much actually. He couldn’t ask for more than to be with Dean, but his love had to go.

"Please, go back there," Benny said between choked sobs. “You’re making things complicated, Dean.”

“No.” Benny heard Dean whispered. “If you really wanted me gone… then just say the word, Benny. Until then, I’ll stay with you… you’ve been alone way too long and I won’t let you suffer alone this time… So let me stay, no more bullshit.”

“Then stay.” For the first time, he did something selfish as he caught himself spilling those words with a hint of desperation in his voice. “Just tonight… please don’t leave.”

_Don’t leave me alone._

 

*******

 

Six months later…

"Wake up," Dean said as he took a sharp left on the road. “Come on, man. We’re almost there.”

Focusing on the road, he rolled down his window and was greeted by a cool salty sea breeze. They’re ten minutes away from the shore and he’s excited to be there, knees bouncing happily. Beside him, the man was still snoring lightly under his coat to hide away from the sun, enjoying the vibration of his baby.

Not wanting to miss the breathtaking view of the beach, he pulled off the road, yanked the coat away, and contemplated if he truly wanted to wake up the sleeping man. With the sun shining brightly above them, he could clearly see the peacefulness plastered on the face of the man he loved. For the first time after their few months of being together, they could finally relax.

“Wake up, my love.” Softly, Dean whispered and patted his shoulder. After a few coaxing, he was greeted by the most breathtakingly blue eyes shining brightly at him, more beautiful than the waters he wanted to show.

“Morning.” Castiel rasped. “We there yet?”

“Not yet. I just want you to see the scenery. It’s awesome I tell you.”

Castiel stretched beside him before peeking at the window. "You’re right, it’s beautiful.”

“You don’t want to take a picture?”

“I don’t have to. I will store it in my head, and remember it by my heart.” Dean groaned at the driver seat and turned on the ignition. “Thank you for bringing me here, Dean.”

“Don’t thank me yet, our road trip has only started.” He winked and was rewarded by a blush creeping on Castiel’s face.

“Okay. So, Benny wouldn’t mind that we’re visiting?”

Dean nodded, not surprised by his husband’s straightforward question. “Yes, he won’t mind. That man needs all the company he could get.”

"Too bad I didn't meet him at our wedding."

“Yeah, he’s just too _shy_. No one saw him left. The last time I saw him was before dad walked me down the aisle." _Lie_ … The last time he saw Benny was when Castiel was walking with his parents. He tried to find Benny that night but the man didn’t want to be found. “I’ll just give you a heads up, okay. The place might be a little messy, but his kitchen is squeaky clean.”

“Okay.”

After driving shortly, he and Castiel trod the same platform he took almost a year ago, creaking under their weight. The scene was still the same since he came here to visit and invite Benny. Same horizon. Same cold wind. Same water. And same jolly fishermen interacting with early buyers. A few steps later, both men stood in front of the old boat, the deck seemed alive with its improvised garden.

“You ready?” He asked and Castiel nodded.

Without wasting any more time, he reached out and rang the bell. Side by side, he and Cas grinned at each other when they heard the soft steps behind the steel door.

“Yes?” A brunette asked and looked at the two of them, not completely opening the door.

Shocked, Dean quickly composed himself and introduced his husband and himself. Benny didn’t mention a woman in his life then, maybe she’s Benny’s girlfriend. “Hi, this is Castiel, my husband, and I’m Dean. Dean Winchester. Is Benny there?”

“Benny?”

“Umm, yeah, Benny. Benny Lafitte, the man who lives here. Big guy, beard, blue eyes.”

Dean was getting worried. There’s a stranger inside Benny’s boat, and she seemed to not know any Benny in her life.

“Oh,” The woman put a hand on her mouth, tapping her fingers as though thinking hard. “That must be the guy’s name who sold this boat to my momma.” _Sold? Benny sold his boat?_ Dean couldn’t believe it. His friend sold the only possession he had, his home, but for what? “Do you want to come in?” Opening the steel door, the woman gestured inside. “I’m Elizabeth by the way.”

Castiel nudged him to move and entered first. Head still trying to process what was happening, he slowly followed his husband inside.

“You got a nice place here, Elizabeth.”

He heard Cas complimented the place. Now that Cas said it, he scanned inside the boat and found it _clean_ , as though Benny had never lived there. No trash. No bottles of alcohol. No smell.

“Thanks, I worked really hard to fix this place. Because of its condition back then, no one would believe someone lives here. Please sit, make yourself comfortable. You guys want some sweet tea?”

"That would be great, thank you," Cas answered before pulling Dean to sit with him, feeling the tension building on Dean’s shoulders. Clearing his throat, Castiel asked on behalf of his husband, “I hope you don't mind, but when… when did Benny sell the place?”

"Six months ago, I think," Elizabeth answered slowly while pouring iced tea into a tall glass and serving it on a coaster in front of them. “It’s weird actually…” She drawled and sat in one of the cushions. “He sold this boat for a couple hundred dollars saying he just needed quick cash for gas money and a suit.”

 

*******

 

Six months ago…

“Did you know you looked like your mother?” Benny asked as he carefully etched Dean’s features in his head, reminiscing the nights he and Dean spent stargazing together when they were young. “Your father told me that, the night he begged me to stay away from you. He cried that night, as in bawling-like-a-child cry. I’ve never seen him that sad… broken… since I met him, great man.”

“He told me that he remembers your mother whenever you look at me, that your mother used to look at him in the exact same way you look at me. He knew that we had something back then and he’s fine with it…” Benny paused, took a sip of his drink, and offered some of it to Dean who shook his head no again. Shrugging, he continued, “The problem back then was: he had plans for you. Believe it or not, he saved money to send you and Sam to college. He doesn’t want you and Sam to be like him, he wanted the both of you to have a future… a chance.”

“That’s why he begged… begged me to distance myself. That if he's not mistaken, you'll choose me over him… like how your mother chose him and left her family behind. He cried while explaining that he didn't want to lose you. You and Sam are all he has left. And I knew back then how it hurt to lose family, Dean. When my family turned their backs on me… it hurt… a lot, chief. And I don't want you to experience that kind of pain… and for your father to experience it all over again after losing his wife.”

“So I left… for you.” Forcing himself not to cry, Benny looked at Dean as he let his feet dangle at the cliff. “Don’t worry, though, were fine. He apologized earlier, but I’ve already forgiven him long ago. Because he’s right. I can’t give you what you need.”

“Yeah, cry me a river, chief. You don’t want to hear the rest of my sob story.” Benny joked, eyes starting to feel heavy. “You know what, I think I’m fine now. Thank you for your ears, brother. I really needed that. You can leave --” Benny trailed off as he realized Dean was gone.

Confused, he placed his hand on the patch of grass where Dean sat and felt cold. _Of course_. Benny thought solemnly as he looked at the content of his whiskey, a sip or two left.

Emptying the content of the bottle, Benny rolled his head and closed his eyes as the salty sea breeze hit his face harshly, giving him a slight flying sensation throughout his body. Even with the wind’s muffling noise, the sound of crashing waves seemed louder in his ears. He wasn’t sure what was happening, but the alcohol was surely doing its job to suppress the feeling of longing bubbling in his gut.

Then, he felt cold. The alcohol should’ve warmed him up, but it didn’t. He tried to breathe, but he couldn’t. His lungs burned and his body hurt. The alcohol should be enough to numb the unbearable pain deep inside of him, but it wasn’t. He knew he needed to fight it or to struggle at least, but he let it all happen. He’s too tired.

All he wanted now was to wake up from his almost two-decade-long nightmare, his personal hell. Yes, maybe he was just dreaming, and all the pain he had suffered all those years was a cosmic joke, a cruel cosmic joke. He was a fool and hated himself for believing that there’s a reward waiting for him after all of his perseverance.

“Benny.” He heard Dean hollered behind him, jerking him from his thoughts. “Stop spacing out, Benny, and drag your lazy butt here. I don’t want you to catch a cold or something.”

Slowly, he opened his eyes and found himself wet and wearing only his boxers, feet submerged underwater. The warm golden glow of fire lighted the place up as he scanned his surroundings. Water… _probably a small pond_ … trees… _maybe we’re in the woods_ … Dean tending the fire with a tent behind him… _so we’re camping_ …

“Come on, Benny. I know you love swimming, but you need your strength for tomorrow. Go quickly dry yourself up and eat with me. I made soup.”

“What kind of _canned_ soup did you _make_ this time?” Benny teased as he kicked the water lazily, inhaling the weird but delicious creamy aroma.

“I don’t know. I just opened two cans and mixed it.” Rummaging their trash bag, Dean read the labels, “Cream of Mushroom and Bean with Bacon.”

“Not bad. And please read the labels next time, brother. The Fruit salad with Chicken soup from before didn’t taste good.”

“Shut up, you eat everything I serve in front of you," Dean said while wrapping a cotton towel around Benny’s torso, chin resting on top of the bigger man’s head. “Is there something bothering you, Benny?”

 _Huh_.

“I'm not really sure," Benny answered and covered Dean's hand with his, pulling him closer to his back. “I know I was cold and I couldn’t breathe, my body hurt, my lungs felt like they’re burning, and there’s a hand squeezing my heart. I really can’t explain it, Dean, but I feel sad and lonely. That’s when you called my name.”

“Damn it, Benny. Are you okay?” Benny shrugged and pouted, trying his best to mimic Sam’s sad puppy face. “How about now?” Dean asked after giving Benny a quick peck on the lips.

“Better.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In every fic where Dean had to choose between Castiel and Benny, Castiel was always the first choice 92% of the time.
> 
> Well, this is my version of that kind of story, and this is the hardest story I've ever written.
> 
> You might feel sad for Benny but this is the other side of a Destiel story with Benny as the third person. I'm just showing another perspective.
> 
> Thank you for reading and feedbacks are highly appreciated. :)


	3. Fanart




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